I’ve learned a lot about opening up to what love is offering from my friends Ken and Katharine. One thing they talk about is “night school”–times when you wake up in the middle of the night and have a unique opportunity to notice spiritual messages that you need to hear. Sometimes these messages are easier to hear in the middle of the night.
I had an opportunity for night school last night. I spent a good portion of the night sitting on the toilet while my constipation and laxatives danced with each other. When I was awake, I was reminded of Ken and Katharine’s encouragement to pay attention to ways love might be trying to get my attention and clear out things in me that are standing in the way of love.
One healer, Louise Hay, says that constipation is often connected, emotionally, with incomplete release of old patterns in your life. Last night on the toilet, I was remembering a time when I was about 22 years old. A mentor and co-worker of mine was encouraging me to express the emotions I was feeling about a recent break-up with my girlfriend. He said that if I didn’t let emotions like that out they could get stuck and maybe turn into cancer. At the time, I appreciated this mentor’s encouragement, but I felt awkward and unsure how to express what I was feeling. He helped guess what I was feeling and affirmed that would be normal. He helped start to shift a pattern in me of suppressing my emotions. I don’t think I got cancer because I didn’t cry about a breakup, but I do believe emotional and physical health are connected.
At one point last night, I asked Jenny if I could hold her. While I held her, I cried and told her about that I felt lost. Suppressing emotions is a pattern that has shifted in me in the past 23 years since that time with my mentor, and I would still like to more fully let go of that old pattern. I don’t want to go to the other extreme and have emotional (or physical) diarrhea, but I have some more releasing to do.
I’ve been taking an antibiotic to treat the infection that was probably in my spinal fluid. This antibiotic frequently causes constipation, as it did with me. Last night, I not only thought I had constipation, but the wonders of the Internet also convinced me that my intestines were slipping out my butt. I visited my doctor today, and she convinced me that my intestines probably weren’t slipping of my butt, but that, instead, I have hemorrhoids. I am so happy to have hemorrhoids! In other good news, I haven’t had a fever in the week since I’ve been out of the hospital. And the frequent headaches I was having seem to have also gone away for now.
My constipation hasn’t gone away, so I will probably have more time on the toilet to listen for old patterns that I could release, to make more space for love (and poop) to flow more freely.
Find more updates and reflections from Michael on Jenny on this CaringBridge page(you need to set-up a free CaringBridge account to view the pages).